Changing days.

After our sortie last week into the depths of Home Educating Hannah and its now (completely off line) successor, A Couthie Sort of Communication, I realised how much time I used to spend either being ill, or feeling some combination of anger, sadness, fear or guilt. Partly about my sister’s death, partly about Hannah’s illness, partly about my infertility, partly about my work, partly about something that happened to me “way back when”. I don’t really like the person I was for a few years. Shit, reading all that angst bored ME.

I haven’t got the balance right yet (still working too hard), but I cannot tell you how much happier I feel. Somewhere along the line I realised that if it was going to change, it had to be me that changed it. No one could take the shit away, and I could let it rule the next 10 years, in the way it ruled the last 10, or i could say “fuck it, you know what – I’m going to take a chance and trust it will be OK” Sure, what happened to Hannah wasn’t fair. But is life, really? Is it fairer to be her, than some other child. I used to wish, passionately, that it WAS some other child. How many people would admit to THAT one? The unacceptable face of the brave stoic parents in children’s hospitals. But I did wish it, and it hasn’t been till I’ve accepted that that I’ve been able to let it go.

I suddenly realised that I’m no longer full of fury about it all. Yes, had it been different, it would have been lovely, but to be honest, would I have appreciated how lovely it was? Probably not.

And on the plus side: not the 4 kids I wanted, but one lovely one, who shows every sign of making it. A good relationship. A great new job. A fledging business that is taking a lot of time and effort, and is growing a little every day. Feeling better health-wise than I have for ages. You know what – life at 50 is shit hot 🙂

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9 Comments »

  1. tworedboots said

    Not much to say to that other than a huge 😀

  2. Kirsty said

    good to hear it!

  3. Tech said

    i have to say, when you started blogging again it was really very obvious how much you’d changed – how much happier and together you were from where you were a couple of years ago. It’s been lovely to read ‘cos you know, we worried about you 😉 Long may it continue I say xxxx

  4. tbird said

    good to hear Joyce!

  5. Nic said

    Yay! 🙂

  6. Roslyn said

    I’d noticed the difference also when I started reading your old words. You know what you could probably make a living out of helping people to change their lives themselves 🙂

    We love all you guys xxxx

  7. Allie said

    What an uplifting post! Good on you all.

  8. Alison said

    lol @ Ros!

    Happy that you’re happy 🙂

  9. Elaine said

    I keep coming back and reading again but we only know the ‘now’ family and it is a wonderfully happy family. I went to the blog you linked but I couldnt find ‘you’ when reading it so I decided that we are enjoying knowing the ‘now’ family .
    I am not sure that makes sense but hey that’s me:)

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