Moving at the speed of life

She didn’t take her phone is her philosophy is that its easy to feel homesick if you know you can go home, so she didn’t take it so she couldn’t contact us. Eh? Anyway, I’ve been needing to let go today in my worries about whether she is keeping herself hydrated and using sun cream, as its been a scorching weekend.

Bob has tidied that garden, and I have half heartedly attempted to bring some order to the house, and especially to my office, which was a bit of a bomb site. Have also sorted out my ezine mailing lists. Its not a big enough list to need a newsletter programme, but had got far too big to send to all, as 90% of them bounced back the last time because of too many recipients. So I have bundled them all up into little packets of 6, in a sort of tupperware version of cyberspace. Also finally got round to buying web storage backup, as it was ridiculously scary the amount of business stuff  -entire training manuals representing weeks of work, that were only on my hard disk and occasionally some random memory stick. So all organised at last. I just need to back my favourites up somewhere, and my passwords, and I’ve got that sorted as well.

Tomorrow I need to get some last minute bits organised for the Trade Shows, as I really need to leave everything ready just to lift into the car when I come home from Bouremouth, and then I’m taking advantage of Hannah being away to work the rest of the week.

Spent the early part of the week doing my assessment for my thing (licence?) to do psychometric assessments. Got the results emailed to me tonight, and got 99%. Very pleased (and relieved), and it means that I am now officially on holiday, with nothing but a few days of work to content with before heading south, two weeks holiday with Bob while H at MoTB, and then home to do the Healthy Living exhibitions before the next set of courses start. The last few weeks have been such hard work, between my paid job, freelance coaching and writing, training for the business, and studying. Can’t quite believe I can sit and veg now. Although at some point, I am going to have to clean the house. Bob has done a sterling job of educating Hannah, feeding us all reasonably healthy food, and holding a job down, but anything else apart from flinging disinfectant down the toilet has been too much to contemplate.

Hannah and I spent this morning getting last minute things for camp, and sorting the caravan out a bit. Maisie has an appointment to get her hair seriously shaved. She is rather gorgeous with all the soft curly fluff, but she is so hot she keeps having dust baths, so it has to go. I can’t cope with her so messy in the caravan.

Went to the printer today and paid a rather frightening amount for leaflets and posters, and have spent this evening setting up a Google Adwords campaign. Have also finally dumped my old email address, as it was just ridiculous the amount of apam it was getting. Today it topped 1000, and it had to go. So if you haven’t yet received an email with my new address, please leave a comment, and I will send it to you, as the other one has been put out of its misery.

Only a few more days, and I can stop. Off to Leeds tomorrow for my assessment for my licence to administer pyschometric tests, unreasonably nervous- those bloody stats. Hope I have crammed enough into my brain, but if I don’t pass it, I get to do an open book essay instead. which although it will not be nice to have it hanging over me STILL, it will be much easier, so guess its hardly a matter of life and death.

Crazily excited as Meg has designed me some great posters to make up exhibition boards. With advice from Nic, I’ve purchased metres of bronze coloured organza voile from ebay, some gold and blue helium balloons, and masses of fairy lights to dress the stall at the Healthy Living exhibition at the end of August. I need to be all organised soon for that, as its actually the last weekend of our holidays, and I’m going to fly back from Bouremouth two days early, leaving Bob to pick Hannah up from MOTB and drive the caravan home.  I hate taking flights for short haul journeys, but I looked at train fares from Bristol – £154, and flights from Bournemouth – £1.22, agonised for days about the cost not just being about money, and in the end, booked the flight. Still need to think of a prize – giving away a course is a huge one, which I haven’t quite come to terms with, though I suppose in real terms, it wouldn’t actually cost me anything to do it, and I could hopefully milk the PR.  Anyway, will think about that some more. Any bright ideas, in the usual place

Hannah has been doing lots of Dr Who stuff, not really sure what, and making masses of bead things for swaps at guide camp the week after next.
She seems to be coping well with distinct under-mothering, but I’m missing HER, so will be good to have a few days to ourselves next week, before she goes off on a month of adventures.

Hannah was out in the pool before I even went to work this morning. She did look a bit blue though. By the time I got home at lunchtime, she and Bob had gone to Glasgow, so I had soup, and then studied all afternoon. I’ve got my assessment for my MBTI licence in 10 days, and I’m ridiculously worried about it. I did the mock practice exam this evening, and I got 95% (the pass mark being 90% – so not a lot of room for error), but it all comes down to whether I can replicate it on the day. Especially given that statistics is hardly my strong point. Work has laid on two days of giving MBTI feedback coaching this week, so I’ll get some practice in for the practical part as well. The problem with doing it unsupervised of course is you don’t know if you are just ingraining bad habits.

Anyway, in the middle of the afternoon, heard a tremendous yowling from outside, and rushed out, thinking Maisie had found a dog to have sex with, to discover she had jumped in the pool and then because of the curve on the sides, couldn’t get back out. Its 3 feet deep, so she was out of her depth, and doggy paddling like mad. I was furious, and read the riot act about leaving it without the lid on when the others got home.

Spent the rest of the evening slogging away as well, would do just about anything to get a few days away in the caravan, but if I can only keep going till the 23rd, then I get a month off. (Well, only two weeks off work, but with nothing except my two days a week in the office, it will seem like a holiday after the last two months). And yes Elaine, if Jen would take Martha, that would be great. We’d booked her into pet boarding, but Hannah would much rather Jen had her.

Right, I think I have earned a small glass of wine, and an early night, before repeating it all tomorrow. Hopefully without the dog nearly drowning.

Just liberated masses of comments from my spam folder – so sorry, especially to Alison, who had three in there. The odd thing is that the moderation notifications are also going into MY spam filter, so must remember to check more often.

Hannah continues to throw steel balls fearsome distances, and her coach thinks she may have been talent spotted last week, as apparently there was a scout at the meet. Just need to wait and see. He is really excited that he may be coaching a champion, but what he doesn’t realise though is that Hannah probably has reached her tallest now, so she may not live up to early promise. On the other hand, she has a clear image in her head of being 6 foot, so who am I to say she won’t make it – that child has confounded medical science so often, that no one is making any predictions any more.

She has been continuing to educate herself, without too much interference from me. She’s been making lots of swaps for International Guide Camp in three weeks, and I am trying to work out what some of the more bizarre items on her camp list actually ARE. Welly sticks??? Woggle?? Bob is planning to take her to the Guide shop in Glasgow tomorrow while I’m training, in the hope there will be a wise old guider there who can sort us out!

I got a Blackberry today, rather lovely, and just fits my image of myself atm I have even managed to get it working, which is a rather major triumph for me.

Maisie is in heat. I’m cursing the vet who wouldn’t spay her before her first season, as she’s been baying at the moon for sex every night till about 3am, when she falls asleep exhausted and frustrated. Very glad it’s happened now though- was in a slight panic about how to manage if she came on heat while we were away in the caravan next month. Just need to organise pet boarding for the remaining cavy, and that is all the human and non-human members of the family sorted.

After our sortie last week into the depths of Home Educating Hannah and its now (completely off line) successor, A Couthie Sort of Communication, I realised how much time I used to spend either being ill, or feeling some combination of anger, sadness, fear or guilt. Partly about my sister’s death, partly about Hannah’s illness, partly about my infertility, partly about my work, partly about something that happened to me “way back when”. I don’t really like the person I was for a few years. Shit, reading all that angst bored ME.

I haven’t got the balance right yet (still working too hard), but I cannot tell you how much happier I feel. Somewhere along the line I realised that if it was going to change, it had to be me that changed it. No one could take the shit away, and I could let it rule the next 10 years, in the way it ruled the last 10, or i could say “fuck it, you know what – I’m going to take a chance and trust it will be OK” Sure, what happened to Hannah wasn’t fair. But is life, really? Is it fairer to be her, than some other child. I used to wish, passionately, that it WAS some other child. How many people would admit to THAT one? The unacceptable face of the brave stoic parents in children’s hospitals. But I did wish it, and it hasn’t been till I’ve accepted that that I’ve been able to let it go.

I suddenly realised that I’m no longer full of fury about it all. Yes, had it been different, it would have been lovely, but to be honest, would I have appreciated how lovely it was? Probably not.

And on the plus side: not the 4 kids I wanted, but one lovely one, who shows every sign of making it. A good relationship. A great new job. A fledging business that is taking a lot of time and effort, and is growing a little every day. Feeling better health-wise than I have for ages. You know what – life at 50 is shit hot