Moving at the speed of life

Me, that is. Don’t know what’s been up with me the last couple of days. I’ve been grouchy, tearful, snappy, ungrateful, grumpy. And that’s only the ones I admit too. I think I also have a cold brewing. Again.

Anyway, yesterday I was really miserable, and was completely unable to avoid sharing it around. I missed most of the morning, made Hannah cry for something trivial, shouted at Bob, and then we went to Glasgow. Hannah needs new running spikes (who said athletics was a cheap hobby?). However we were completely unable to find a pair wide enough for her in a size 8. (!!)  I think probably the best thing is to put them on the US list for purchase there, but it didn’t stop her having a strop when I told her she would need to manage with her road running shoes for the next two weeks. Then I told her she was an ungrateful little madam for whinging about that, and I didn’t care if they slowed her down, she was lucky to have several pairs of training shoes. Nice. You get the picture. All the things I said I would never say to a child of mine.  THEN we had another strop from both of us, as she said if she couldn’t get spikes, she would use her netball shoes. I said no, they were indoor court shoes, and she wasn’t wrecking them in a long jump pit. She said they were hers, I said that may be the case, but I paid for them. And on and on and on. I don’t know what got into me, I rounded it off with a “don’t you dare talk to me like that”, and her spirited reply was “and don’t YOU dare talk to me like that”. Which made me feel slightly better, that I hadn’t completely crushed her spirit with my bad temper.

We’d made it up by evening, but I still felt really horrible (“ill horrible or just inside horrible?” asked Hannah). Inside horrible

I was determined today would be better, so we were up and out at 8am to take my car to be serviced, and then we went for a long walk along the beach, and had a long discussion about equality, politics, child protection law, and HIV. We were just about at the furthest point, and Hannah was really struggling (oops, she IS still recovering from tonsilitis, I guess), so we stopped for hot chocolate and mallows. According to my pedometer, we’d walked 12k by the time we got home.

This afternoon, Hannah has got back into doing some work, the first she has really felt up to for ages. She did some maths, we played a French word game, she did some drawing, I think, and read some history stuff.  I’ve caught up with the laundry mountain, done some writing for a contract, and we are going to play ready steady cook with whatever is in the fridge, before Guides.

As today I bought the Disney tickets (cheaper in the little travel shop in town than on line), and arranged for the piggies to have their holiday as well. Hannah is ridiculously excited about Disney, I’m feeling – hm, don’t know. It seems such an indulgent, Western thing to do, I don’t feel particularly pro American, I feel bad about my carbon footprint every time I think about travelling these days, so I don’t feel entirely comfortable somehow. On the other hand, some sun will be lovely to get us all back on our feet, Hannah is delighted, and I’m sure at the end of the day we will have a good time. We’ve rented a villa for a fortnight, so it will be good to have a proper base, in a house.  I’m turning into a proper curmudgeon.

Hannah loved the Netball International last night, said she learned loads from watching it, and Scotland won, which is always good. She was hoping to go back tonight, but Bob phoned for tickets, and they were sold out.  It was fortunate she’d slept during the day, as they weren’t home till 11pm, and she didn’t surface till about 11 this morning. By which time I had done my 6 miles.

I got this smart little pedometer for Xmas  and it’s great. I’ve had a few of them over the years, and this one is definitely the best. Very accurate in terms of distance once you set it up, and also tells you your calories. Something very pleasant about discovering you are in calorie deficit after having had breakfast and lunch.

Came home, we cleaned the pigs out, Hannah read bits out of her new book.  It’s fabulous, full of the kind of thing I’d have loved at that age as well. I did some preparation for a workshop I’m running on Wednesday, and then went out again to buy the Disney tickets. While I was out, Bob cleaned the bathrooms. Result. Had coffee in Nero’s for a little treat, and they had Tiramisu cake. Now, if there is one thing I love…..good job I was in calorie deficit

Hannah had her shower early, as she’s really tired again, and I’m hoping this last course of antibiotics will fix her.

I’m shattered.

Was back at GP today with Hannah. I’d had a good look at her throat with the end of a spoon and a pen torch, and thought the abscess was still leaking a bit – she herself had been convinced it was. As her antibiotic finishes tomorrow, I didn’t really want it getting a hold again, so we went back for an opinion. Swab that he had taken at the beginning of the week was back, so at least he could confirm she was on the right thing, and he has prescribed another week.  She is hugely better though, although still sleeping for a few hours in the middle of the day. There is a netball tournament in Glasgow tonight, so Bob has taken her there. She was really excited, and I think the change will do her good.

The phone went at 2am this morning, and this guy said “yer mither’s deed”. Which as I wasn’t at all with it, certainly jerked me awake, before I realised that it was neither my dad nor my brother, and neither speak like that. I should be sorry that someone’s mother is obviously dead, but selfishly rather glad its not mine. I just couldn’t get back to sleep though, the adrenaline took hours to settle down.

As we haven’t been able to get far this week, have done a mammoth de-clutter, though unfortunately it’s still at the stage of looking worse than it did before I started.  And Friday evening calls – house to myself. Wine in the fridge. Series 3 of Gray’s Anatomy to be watched.

Today I decided that I really needed to get a grip on my training for the Moonwalk, which has been rather slow to start, due to us all being ill. It was such a nice day, and Bob offered to work at home till 10am, so I shot out for a brisk 6 miles. Except it wasn’t that brisk. I always do this – I get fit, don’t keep it up, then need to start at the bottom again. My 6 miles took me 1hour 45mins, which given my marathon time is 5.20, means I’m rather far off target.  Anyway, that’s me started. And the sea was just so fantastic, and I got all that time to walk along talking to myself, with no one else butting in, which I do enjoy.

Got home, Bob shot to work, and helped Hannah with some My Pals are Here. Why am I so anal about Maths books. I’m not really about anything else, but I got all ot under the collar when she dips into maths books, and I start to mutter about not laying foundations. I seriously need to get a life on this issue.  I had a shower, and we made soup and bread, then she dug out Picture History Of Britain  which I had bought from the Book People ages ago for the simple reason it was my history text book at Primary, and I felt all nostalgic when I saw it. She seemed to enjoy it, and read most of it at one sitting.

In the afternoon, she asked if I could take her for a drive – she’s felt too ill to do anything for days, but the abscess seems almost gone, though she still has another week on the AB to go, and she said she had cabin fever, LOL. We went to the beach, and had an ice cream and a short walk, though she feel asleep in the car on the way home. She didn’t go to Guides last night, and isn’t going to athletics tonight, and given how much she loves both of these, it probably is an indication she’s not nearly right yet.

Bob has just emailed to say he won’t be home till about 8pm, so I’ve suggested she have an early bath, and then can sit in her pyjamas and have dinner later.

I’m chairing a big conference at work next week, and as I’m a bit nervous, I thought I would treat myself to a new outfit out of Monsoon. I don’t often buy new clothes, so I’m a bit out of practice with what suits me as well. So I bring it home, and I’m parading about it, Bob said “yeah, yeah, you look fine. Nice.” and Hannah said “Have you got your magic knickers on?” (No) “Well, if you wear it with your magic knickers and your extra uplift bra, you’ll look lovely”. Which on reflection, was probably more helpful than Bob’s comments, but hardly good for the soul of a grumpy old woman. I’ll never risk that kid watching T+S again.

The abscess on her tonsil burst this morning, and while that did relieve a lot of the pain, she has been distressed and freaked out all day by the pus running down her throat. Oh sorry – were you eating dinner? It smells ghastly, so it must taste awful, and she still has a temperature and a raging headache. All she really wanted to do was sit on my lap – no mean feat really. She didn’t want read to, didn’t want to play any games, just really wanted me to be there. Eventually she dropped off to sleep about 4pm, and I managed to sneak off and stretch.

She fortunately slept till Bob came home around 6pm, so he took over the soothing noises. She was coaxed downstairs to the sofa, and is lying there now half watching a DVD with him and eating some jelly mousse I put in the fridge this morning. I just had to get away for a bit, totally touched out. I’m rather regretting we decided against a tonsillectomy, but they seemed so convinced at ENT that she would grow out of it, that we really didn’t want to put her through more surgery if we could help it.

So that’s been the day really. Tomorrow is the third day of her antibiotic. Even though she’s got a 14 day prescription, to try and mop all the infection up, she usually feels better around day 3, so fingers crossed.

YES! Charis NLP  is half way up the second page of Google, using very generic search terms – ie, not using the company name, or my name. This is very good news.

Was looking on our LA site for the school holidays this year, and I noticed that they now have a note up to say that the only reason that they will agree to holidays during term time is following terminal illness or bereavement in the family. It specifically states that parents being unable to get annual leave during school holiday time is not an acceptable reason, and requests on that basis will be denied. As this is the first year ever that Bob has been allowed to take annual leave during school holidays, that wouldn’t have done much for family unity and cohesiveness.

As Bob crawled back to work, Hannah announced she didn’t feel well, and on closer inspection, she has a massive abcess on her left tonsil. So we made our bi-weekly pilgrimage to the GP and she’s on antibiotics. She looks ghastly. I think we all need some sun

On Sunday, Hannah had a friend over for the afternoon. She was asked if she had a boyfriend, and told her bedroom wallpaper was babyish (it is, and we keep offering to change it, but she keeps putting us off). She was horrified to see Hannah’s Sylvanian Family stuff sitting around, and went “please tell me you DO NOT play with that, that would be so weird!” She was horrified she didn’t have a TV in her bedroom (Hannah reported on taking her home that the child had a 32 ins flat screen with Sky in her bedroom – better than we have in the living room), and Bob gave up the rugby to let them watch TV in the living room, Hannah was so stressed.  Which makes it sound like she was a horrible kid, and she wasn’t. She was polite and chatty to both Bob and I, and was very likeable. It was just Hannah had such high hopes of this friendship, which has developed over months at running club, and I could just see how different she was. Despite looking like a 15 year old, she has (thank goodness), no interest in boys, is completely unaware of sexuality, still plays with toys, etc etc. I could see this girl was thinking “weird”.  With only three of us in the house, I’ve never felt the need for more than 1 TV, and while she can play DVDs on her laptop if she wants, I prefer her to do her TV watching and her web surfing in the living room. I’m left having my perennial question: is she different because she doesn’t go to school, or did we not send her to school because she was different, and we suspected it would be too much. Because at that time for us, it wasn’t a political statement. No one was more surprised to find themselves home educating than we were! In lots of ways we are so mainstream – she’s immunised, and I think that’s the right thing to do. She’s on an antibiotic because I think she really needs one. And yet she doesn’t get a TV in her room because I don’t feel comfortable with her sitting up there by herself watching it. So she can’t have a discussion about the soaps. She’s never asked for a TV either, to be fair. It’s not something I’ve proscribed, its just never been an issue. Oh, FFS, I wish I knew this was all OK.

Anyway…..Monday the MPH6 stuff arrived, so we spent some time doing that, she did some education city, and we went for a wet woodland walk I wheezed and puffed my inhaler. Monday evening Hannah was at Guides.

Tuesday I think she did some Bond Reasoning stuff, read the new Alex Ryder book, and started to feel a bit ill, as she didn’t want to go to running club.

Yesterday I worked at home, and she messed about with some Chinese New Year crafts, plus painted several tee shirts. Bob came home and cooked a Chinese meal, and I popped out to see a coaching client. Neither of us made it because of an accident on the bypass, which closed the road for about 8 hours. We’d both been in the jam for about an hour, and were no where near meeting, so we decided to call it a day and re-schedule. So home to nice food and wine. It was obvious by then that Hannah wasn’t going to be fit today, so I re-scheduled todays meetings and took a flexi day.

Hannah is being completely delightful just now. She is having the usual teen strops, but when she isn’t (and even when she is, mostly), she is so grown up, so self sufficient, and just such good company. I do love that child. I was thinking yesterday that on my 39th birthday, I went for an ante natal check up. Bob was living in a hotel down here, and I was staying for three night during the week with a friend in Edinburgh, as our house was sold, and we didn’t have anywhere down here. I was essentially of no fixed abode, so was having ante natal care in Edinburgh, near the office. So there I was, on my birthday, 24 weeks pregnant, 100 miles from Bob, getting told I was pre-eclamptic, and would need to be admitted. I signed all the “against medical advice” forms, and drove down to the hotel. I was determined that if I was going to spend the next however long in hospital, it was going to be nearer him. The next day, completely terrified, and with my Edinburgh obstetrician’s comments about how irresponsible I was being with this precious final attempt at pregnancy running through my mind, we presented ourselves at the hospital down here. Anyway, as history tells, I was nursed along for another 10 weeks, much longer than anyone expected possible, and despite finally having an eclamptic fit on the final day, and despite all the awful things afterwards with her health, here she is Coincidentally, we got a wonderful letter from her paed today, detailing the scan results from last week (he is so well trained that man, I love him, too He copies the GP into his letters to ME, rather than the other way round) and concluding with “Hannah is such a pleasant and mature child, I hope she appreciates how well she has done against all odds, and is as proud of her achievements as she should be.” The thing I love about him is that he always gives Hannah the credit for her continuing health – he doesn’t take it himself, he doesn’t give it to us, he acknowledges to her every time he sees her that it’s HER that’s running her life. We’ve known him all her life, and more than anything, it’s what keeps us living here – it’s beyond price to have someone like that, who is always on her side, I couldn’t face breaking a new paed in.

Anyway, today Hannah has sorted her room in preparation for a friend from athletics visiting tomorrow, and I did the playroom, which was a positive health hazard. There is a big eBay pile, but I don’t know if I can be arsed, I may just take it all to the charity shop. She has been doing lots of stuff on education city, and reading Ballet Shoes. We received about 1000 bindeez yesterday following the product recall about three months ago, so she’s spent ages doing that. She has also been planning our Florida itinary. I’m so glad we didn’t go yesterday, as originally planned. I’m still wheezing, Hannah still has earache, and Bob has (shock horror) been off work all week. This is unheard of. In the 26 years I’ve known him, he has had 4 days off sick – 2 days when Hannah was diagnosed, and I insisted on it, and 2 days after he had boiling caustic splashed in his face following an industrial accident – and only then as he was in hospital. So I guess he was feeling really rough. Hannah enjoyed not having to go to Flora’s – she still clearly loves her, but I think she finds the fact she doesn’t get any me time there because of the toddlers a bit frustrating. It didn’t matter before, but now she tends to get into projects, and wants peace to work on them. Not sure what the solution is to that, as I think she is too young to be left for a whole day, and having managed to carry on working this far, I’m reluctant to give it up now.

I was at the asthma clinic yesterday, and they were pleased with me, and said that it was normal still to be feeling fairly rough after an initial acute attack. It was certainly frightening! I’ve to go back next Friday again, and they said I should be feeling much better by then. Hopefully I will be able to re-launch myself on society soon. Hannah has started to relax a bit round about me, though she is still a bit clingy, and Bob said she was very anxious when I was at work this week.  I feel really bad for her that she had to deal with it, though she was very sensible and calm.

We’ve been enjoying watching Summerhill, and Hannah even thought she would consider a school like that, till she looked on the web site and realised parental involvement is against the Summerhill ethos, and decided she would miss us too much.  Her saving her summer camp is going well, and she has nearly reached the half-way mark on her second week (I said I would pay for the first week), so it does look as if I will have three weeks in a row without her over the summer – a week at international camp, and 2 weeks at adventure camp.

We all wanted comfort food tonight, so she has just shouted to say dinner is ready – sausage casserole, mashed potatoes and peas